There’s a spider setting up camp outside my window that has the AC in it, That BASTARD. Doesn’t it know I sprayed repellent? Dumbass. I went down to mix up a brew of vinegar and lemon juice to get rid of the bastard. Before that though, I soaked the area with bleach. I couldn’t find it, but I sure as fuck wanted it dead and gone. 

But the main reason I’m posting is because I seem to have to friends. I mean, I do. I’m not an idiot…I know there are people out there that care about me. Lately though, I’ve felt very much on my own. 

Yesterday, I felt the darkness creeping in. I didn’t cut, but I felt different. Call it morbid curiosity, but I set out in search of suicide forums. Not anything for or against it. But just facts and statistics and other people’s stories. Don’t call a hotline on me just yet. I was intrigued and saddened at the same time.
Then I got to thinking about those people that commit suicide live on a webcam and how people actually watch it happen. I tried to Google some articles on who they really were and why they may have done it. But nothing good came of that search.

I’m fine though, really.  

I just needed to get this out there, and hopefully out of my head. 

I can’t tell if I’m attracted to you or not. It’s the damnedest thing. Whatever, I guess. I’ll just enjoy life and talking and everything. We’ll see, I guess.

On another note, today was my last day of student teaching. I’m going to miss these kids a lot. I’d stay at that school just for them if I could. I conduct in the concert tonight, play trombone, and head back up to MU.

Graduation Saturday. Then a summer of dickin’ around until the move to NC. 

This was another needed weekend for me. 

I can’t stand being at home lately. With any luck, I’ll be able to see people this summer before moving down to NC for a couple years. I mean I’ll be home for breaks and stuff just like now. So nothing is really changing except for my location. Anyway, yeah. I can’t spend all my time at home. Maybe I’ll be able to find work, but that’s doubtful because I’m only home for like 2 or 2.5 months this summer. 

I’ll definitely miss all of the people I’ve come to care a lot about. With any luck, we’ll stay in touch, and I’ll hopefully be able to stop up on my breaks for a little. It’ll never be goodbye forever. Just goodbye for now.

I didn’t get crazy this weekend or anything. Part of me wishes I did. On the other hand, I was just too exhausted this weekend, and wound up really enjoying relaxing with the people I care about. 

Dr Galloway had a final get together at his house. I’m so happy I went. Being able to throw around some stories and jokes was fantastic. It makes me so happy that I have people in my life I can do that with. 

I don’t get to just talk freely, make jokes, or just hang out while I’m at home. If I talk freely, someone gets offended. If I crack jokes, someone gets offended. There’s only 1 or 2 people that I actually care to hang out with back home. Yeah, my home is my home. But I’m not as free to be me there. Over the years, I’ve made Mansfield my home. Whenever I’m back, I’ve got people that actually want to spend time with me, people that’ll actually listen to me when I talk, and people that share my sense of humor. 

C’est  la vie…je pense. 

Animal abuse is right up there with child abuse in my opinion. 

If you cannot be a fucking man and deal with things like a mature adult, then it’s a damn good thing you can’t have kids. 

Here’s the story…

Lucy, our beagle dog, is an idiot. That’s not a secret. But she’s the sweetest dog on the planet…she just happens to get herself into stuff she shouldn’t. 

Well…surprise, surprise…she got into something she shouldn’t have. Someone left a chair pushed out, and she was able to get onto the table and steal some fries and bumped a drink over. 

My fucking moron brother came in, put the dog on the table, and hit her. Not just a smack on the snoot, or smack on the ass…but repeatedly hit her head. Her head kept bouncing off the table. After the first two smacks he kept going…. 

I slapped him. “what the fuck is your problem?” I asked…”She needs to learn”…..when the fuck has that EVER worked (yes, this has been a problem in the past. and yes, it pissed me off then). “Is that how you’ll learn too, asshole?” I asked. I stared him in the eye and told him how disgusting he is for doing these things and stormed out carrying the dog with me. He tried to talk as he was retreating to his bedroom, but before he could even finish his sentence I called him a disgusting prick. 

I’m sure that when he went upstairs he spun everything in his favor to his fucking wife. 

I told this to my mother…I will not stand for that kind of childish behavior. It is the lowest form a human being can take. His actions are comparable to child abuse in my eyes, and neither thing is acceptable at all. If I ever see or hear it happening again I will not show any restraint in my words or actions. I will hurt him both physically and emotionally. I’m tired of being the only one trying to sustain a normal relationship.

That’s right… since the last blowout where Mike and Kris blamed EVERYTHING on me, I’ve been making unnecessary attempts to hold my tongue, be “friendly”, and TRY to make this all work. They haven’t done a damn thing to try to fix anything…it’s all been me. And it’s fucking unfair. I’m done trying. If they want my friendship or love, they need to fucking work for it now. I’ve had my life trumped on too many times in life to roll over and take their shit. 

I. Fucking. Quit. 

Test me one more fucking time, asshole. I dare you. I know no fear in this area. Raise a hand to me, I dare you. You’ll be on the ground before you can take your next breath, you unimaginable, uneducated, ignorant bastard of a human being. 

I’ve had so much anger seething in my veins that I’ve been shaking. I have a knot in stomach. An all too familiar knot that wants release. It’s so much not to give in. I know that it would hurt, but I know that it would release what I’m feeling…

This weekend was therapy for my soul. 

It felt so good to play. Like really play. The section I was in was great too! It was awesome to play 2nd to Foster. I was able to just unleash some serious sound, read, and meet new people. 

I was nervous to give a speech at the Reunion Banquet for Galloway. I wound up forgetting the speech somewhere else, so I got up and just told stories for 100 people. It was cool. When Galloway gave his speech to us, he cried, and so did 90% of the people there…including myself. I love that man. 

I got to go out with friends to the bars. I didn’t get back until 3:30am. I’m still amazed I was able to get into the building because it was 3:30 and I have no working key! It was me, Kyle, and Mark. Then Brandon and Ashley joined us. Then Kyle left. Then Katie Sabol showed up with her parents…Brandon and I were like THIS ISN’T FUCKING CHUCK E CHEESE. Then Smouse and Mclean showed up. Smouse, Brandon, and I went upstairs because shit was getting weird downstairs and we were going to do car-bombs. They didn’t have enough shot glasses, but Steve Miller bought us all a round of cherry bombs, then Smouse bought us shots, then Brandon bought us shots, then car-bombs, and I don’t even know what else. All I know is pretty much all my drinks were bought for me lol.
There was so much love from the boys directed at me! I had no idea that I was someone who was so valued as a person and player. I never think of myself as someone to be looked up to. All three of them were telling me how much they love me, how much they care about me, how talented they think I am, how they think I’m going to do great things, how they know I’m going to make it in life, and that they’d do anything for me and all I ever had to do is ask. It’s such an intense amount of love and admiration directed at me….I’ve never thought of myself that way. I’ve always just done what I had to do and helped others to do what they needed to do. 

The concert was a lot of fun! I loved the charts we were doing so much. There wasn’t one I hated at all. The people of my section were hilarious, and I couldn’t have asked for a better experience. 

I don’t know what I’ve done to be so blessed and lucky and anything else… I’ve got someone watchin’ over me. 

I haven’t been greeted with so much love in such a long time either. As soon as I showed up to Butler, I was bombarded with hugs and smiles. It was so nice! Everyone was happy to see me, everyone was happy to hear me rip some Dixie when I was working with Kyle/the group. People just came in and sat down when I started playing and telling me how much they miss the sound. Everyone was eager to talk to me. Before I left MU I saw John and kadeem. I honked, rolled down the window, and said I was leaving. They just sat down In my car so that I couldn’t leave, and we wound up talking for like 20mins. 

I was super stoked to hang out with Kyle this weekend. The kid makes me laugh so hard. So hard that no sound will come out sometimes. Diana, Kyle and I went to dinner, and then ice cream. I couldn’t finish my ice cream, so Kyle called Tom Fish to come down from Manser and eat my ice cream. Tom speed-walked down to eat my ice cream. It was so funny, but SO Tom. 

I love my life. 

Get off your ass.

Go out in the light of day. 

Do something to better yourself.

Do something to better each other.

Be a fucking married couple.

Quit blaming the world for your problems.

Nothing goes the way we want unless we work to eliminate potential obstacles. 

Nothing is THAT bad. 

Money doesn’t make happiness. Life makes happiness. Go fucking LIVE.

Practice what your therapist tells you. It’s not a magic cure-all. 

Stop running away.

Stop locking yourselves into one room.

Stop eating and drinking so damn much.

Stop moping. 

Stop being assholes about your dogs. Discipline them. Love them. If it were up to me, I’d fucking take them away from you.

God forbid I say anything though…you’ll wind up blaming your life problems on me again. 

Ugh!!

I’m having the worst time trying to find a dress I want to wear for graduation! I mean seriously…how the hell hard is it to find something that’s not too short, that’s cute, flowy, fun, and not ridiculous! I know I’m pretty picky when it comes to these things, but still…

I need a massage too. I’m going to call the place today and see if they can fit me in somewhere. My knots are terrible lately…

I just want a weekend to get hammered too. This weekend would be nice because it’s BlockParty, but I kind of have to plan to get drunk. It’s not just something that happens lately.